This Dating App Bullshit is Bullshit

 

I am so sick of all of this modern day dating bull shit.

So.

Fucking.

Sick.

Of.

It.

I have been pretty much single for the last two years. And I stay pretty positive for the most part. I have met some awesome guys that didn’t work out romantically but I have remained friends or at least friendly with a decent amount of them. It’s funny because every time I actually really like someone they break it off and whenever someone really likes me I break it off. What the fuck is that? Just bad luck? Bad timing? I honestly can’t even explain why I didn’t like some of these guys. And not to be overly confident but I know that I’m a catch. I’m funny and warm and understanding. Why the hell am I still searching? It should be easier than this for fucks sake.

A couple months ago a started seeing a friend on a more romantic level. And I loved it. It felt so good and natural even though I had had my reservations about him prior to giving in to my feelings for him… he’s 5 years younger than me (I know, classic me), lives with his parents, and we work together. Basically, 3 of my biggest deal breakers. But, he makes me laugh, and I make him laugh and when we are together I am enormously and effortlessly happy. Even now, a month and a half post break up; being around him just soothes me and he always finds a way to make me feel like I’m the only person in the room… whether that is intentional or not, I don’t know.

Its been a month and a half since we broke up and I figured that its about that time to get back out there. So, last night I decided to re-download Bumble. Swiped 100 times or so, sent some screen shots to my friends and then went to bed. Before I went to bed my friend texted me saying “text me tomorrow, let me know if you matched with anyone.” I thought this was strange because I already matched with about 15 guys in the hour I had been swiping. Did she think it would take longer than that? Anyway, when I woke up in the morning there was a lot more. And, although it’s kind of validating it felt really empty. I was actually a little annoyed. I felt like, this is stupid, meaningless, a waste of time. But I messaged a few of them anyway and went into work. After a couple hours at work I went back into the app and deleted it, less than 24 hours later. I just can’t find the love of my life this way. Especially when I’m fairly certain I already know him. If these other guys were my soulmates the Universe would have brought us together some how by now.

I thought about it some more and started to wonder is this why we are all still single? Because we are messing with the natural way of things? According to Wikipedia there are 12.5 million people on  Bumble… that’s like a quarter of the population in United States. And that’s JUST BUMBLE! What the actual fuck, you guys? How is it that we are all single, all looking but we literally can’t find one another. There are ENDLESS available men inside my phone but WHERE ARE THEY? Why are they not walking up to us at bars, why am I not bumping into them at the coffee shop or connecting with them at work? Is the dating app world killing actual real life dating?

So, I’m sick of it. Over it. My fear of never finding love, never having a family and dying alone is literally seeming more desirable than trying to sort through these photos and 300 character blurbs. Who can portray who they are and what they want in 300 characters? I know that some of these guys are probably great but it’s just so superficial and feels so unconnected. That’s just not me. I am deep and I have so much love to give, the dating app world goes against everything that I am, everything that feels natural to me.

So, here I am. I’m waving my white flag. I surrender. I give up. I just hope love finds me in the real word. Some way, some how.

Keep your head up and your heart open, babes.

-m.

Wanted

All she wanted was for him to let her in
She wanted to see the darkest corners of his soul
She wanted to see his light and she wanted to be a part of brightening it
She wanted to explore his thoughts 
She wanted to feel his emotions 

She wanted to love him
Deeply, endlessly, intensely, unconditionally

But he just wouldn't 
He just couldn't 

 -M.

Follow Your Heart To Me

As he lay in her bed
in the latest hour of the night
She turned out the light

"oh no. I can't see a thing"
she whispered into the darkness

"just follow your heart."
he told her

She could feel his smile in
the darkness and hoped he
could feel hers too

She made her way to him
and settled in

-M.

My Take On Netflix’s Thirteen Reasons Why

I’ve been wanting to weigh in on this whole Thirteen Reasons Why thing for a couple weeks now. I’ve read and heard that they have been getting a lot of flack. That the show is glorifying suicide… that it’s promoting suicide. I am just one person… but I disagree. I think that my opinion is relatively trustworthy and valid because… you see… the experiences that Hannah Baker had, I had. I was called a slut in high school, I was bullied and did some bullying myself and most importantly; I was raped by a “friend”… and then bullied some more. Did I think about killing myself? Yes. A lot. Am I glad I didn’t follow through? … I am. And watching Thirteen Reasons Why really solidified that for me.

**Spoiler Alert**

Towards the end of the series, after a classmate rapes Hannah, she has come to her decision. She can’t take the pain anymore and she decides to kill herself. She slits her wrists in a bathtub and lets herself bleed to death. I can’t tell you how many times that exact thought has played out in my mind. I hate it. I hate that I’ve had those thoughts. It makes me feel weak and weird and ashamed. But, the truth is… the truth in everything is that I am not alone (and neither are you). So many people have had those feelings. Some follow through, and some do not. I will tell you… watching my thoughts unfold in a very real way in front of my eyes moved me. I cried. Hard. It was overwhelming, it still is, but it was also very therapeutic and healing. So many people go through something similar to this in high school, college and beyond. Life is hard and complicated and messy and the less we talk about it, the harder it is.

What immediately followed Hannah committing suicide is the exact reason I never committed to suicide, the reason I always talked myself out of it. The finding. I could never bring myself to committing because I could not stomach the thought of someone finding me that way… someone having to see me (someone they potentially loved, even though that was hard for me to believe in those moments) in such a horrific way. I couldn’t put that on anyone. I played it out hundreds, maybe thousands of times in my head. I just couldn’t do that to anyone I loved, even though I had a hard time believing that they loved me.

People love to blame the victim; we should have been more careful. We should have been less provocative. We shouldn’t have been sexually active. We should have spoken up. We should have fought harder. That’s fucked up.

I’m not here to demonize the guy that raped me, or the other people that did shitty things to me. I have chosen to believe that everyone makes mistakes and have chosen to forgive those people who have hurt me and I hope I have been forgiven if I have hurt others. But. BUT. Do not think that it is ok to blame me for my being raped. It was 15 years ago and I still think about it every god damn day. It has effected me in ways that you, nor I will ever fully understand. I verbally said no. I was physically picked up and brought into a bedroom. I said no numerous times. My clothes we removed from my body and I was raped. I have guilt and shame that do not belong to me. The guilt and shame are forced upon me by him and those who chose to believe I am at fault. I also feel guilt and shame that I did not speak up and go to the police. But, I forgive 16 year old me. I feel for her. She was just  kid that made some mistakes all because she didn’t feel loved. All she wanted was to be loved. But, instead, she was raped.

After the series was over I immediately started writing about my specific experience, which I will share with you very soon. It was healing in a way. This is healing. To be able to finally come out and say, yes, I was raped and no, it was not my fault. It was not brutal or violent but that does not make it consensual, it is still rape and it was still wrong.

I think it is important for people like me, who have had similar situations to start speaking up. Let’s share our stories and start teaching our children to have more respect for one another, to not take what is not given to them or agreed upon with them, that any sex other than consensual sex is rape. End of story. No exceptions.

All my love.

-M.

3 Mantras To Survive A Breakup

About a year and a half ago I went through a very unexpected and rough break up. I fell apart and struggled back to sanity. These mantras helped me get back to being a normal human being and they have stuck with me ever since.

  1. Keep your head up and your heart open.

This was a staple for me, as soon as I heard my friend say it, I started repeating it to myself. To me, it acknowledges the hard time you are going through and sends the message that good things still exist in the world if you are open to them. Even though you are hurting you owe it to yourself to keep your eye out for the good things. Basically, don’t let something shitty that happened to you ruin you.

  1. I am loved, loving, and lovable.

This is so simple but so easy to forget after a break up. I kept repeating this to myself over and over and eventually I started believing it again. One day, I woke up and said “oh yeah, I’m fucking awesome.” It just took a little while to find my way back to the old me.

  1. I radiate beauty, charm and grace.

Again, simple but if you are anything like me, you get really, really down on yourself after a break up and this is something you really need to hear. And you need to hear it from yourself. You are the most important person in your life and if you have a negative inner-dialog you are self-sabotaging yourself. Who needs that? No one.

 

Whatever the circumstances may be I hope that you find your way back to you. We all deserved to be loved. And the most important person to be loved by is YOU. Find a way to love yourself again despite what has happened to you and who has left you. If they left you, they do not belong in your life. Don’t waste your time chasing after them. You are worth so much more to have to chase someone or force something.

 

 

Keep your head up and your heart open.

 

-M