As he lay in her bed in the latest hour of the night She turned out the light "oh no. I can't see a thing" she whispered into the darkness "just follow your heart." he told her She could feel his smile in the darkness and hoped he could feel hers too She made her way to him and settled in -M.
My heart has been broken a lot and I used to be really bitter and sad and broken over it. Now, I’m not. I am thankful. Especially to the two men the broke my heart the most. My ex-husband broke my heart over and over again, a countless amount of times. My ex-boyfriend broke my heart so devastatingly that I never thought I would recover. But I did, and I am thankful.
Over the past 2 to 3 years I have truly struggled. I now look back on that time and those struggles proudly. I look in the mirror proudly. I look within proudly. I have saved myself, I have found myself, I have grown and conquered and I have become so unapologetically me. And don’t get me wrong, I am nowhere near done. I want to keep living, keep growing, keep loving.
I have been single for a good two years now. I almost fell for someone once or twice within those two years but nothing or no one has stuck. I have broken down and cried a more than healthy amount and I don’t regret a moment of it. The fact that I can still love, that I still even entertain the idea of love is my biggest accomplishment. Part of that… my very favorite part is that I have learned about different types of love. I have a deep understanding now of what it means to love people who are not your significant other. I was always so obsessed with being in love that I didn’t pay enough attention to the other loves in my life; my family and friends and of course; myself. I neglected those loves and that was a huge oversight on my part.
So, this is why I am thanking the two men that broke my heart so often and so devastatingly. I am thankful for every break because I believe that it has allowed more room and more give to this scarred heart of mine. I feel like when my family and friends and I put my heart back together we made it so that it was no longer like glass; no longer fragile and unforgiving but more like… an ocean, to be honest with you. You can’t see the end. My love crashes down onto the shore of everyone I meet and love. Constantly moving, no end in sight. I just love. And I am so fucking thankful for it.
I’m single now and instead of constantly worrying about when I will find “the one” I am writing, painting, taking photos, reading, exploring weird and spiritual avenues, having deep conversations at 1 am, and living the life I missed out on in my twenties and loving every second of this beautifully crazy life. I won’t lie, I want to find a true and romantic kind of love and I want it to be so real and so deep and I want it to be forever this time but I can wait. We will come together when the time is just right and it will be worth every second of waiting.
For now, I will focus on loving me and all the people I am lucky enough to have in my life, and loving life in general. I hope that my clarity, my calm and my love touches the hearts and souls of those around me. I honestly and deeply hope it spreads like wildfire because it is a beautiful and fulfilling feeling to love unconditionally.
Namaste, my friends. Keep your head up and your heart open.
Across the table in a crowded bar, our unknowing friends all around Cigarette Daydreams comes on You grab my attention and motion for me to listen to the song You draw a heart in the air and point my way I smirk and say "Kill Me." I love all my secret little moments with you -M.