This Dating App Bullshit is Bullshit

 

I am so sick of all of this modern day dating bull shit.

So.

Fucking.

Sick.

Of.

It.

I have been pretty much single for the last two years. And I stay pretty positive for the most part. I have met some awesome guys that didn’t work out romantically but I have remained friends or at least friendly with a decent amount of them. It’s funny because every time I actually really like someone they break it off and whenever someone really likes me I break it off. What the fuck is that? Just bad luck? Bad timing? I honestly can’t even explain why I didn’t like some of these guys. And not to be overly confident but I know that I’m a catch. I’m funny and warm and understanding. Why the hell am I still searching? It should be easier than this for fucks sake.

A couple months ago a started seeing a friend on a more romantic level. And I loved it. It felt so good and natural even though I had had my reservations about him prior to giving in to my feelings for him… he’s 5 years younger than me (I know, classic me), lives with his parents, and we work together. Basically, 3 of my biggest deal breakers. But, he makes me laugh, and I make him laugh and when we are together I am enormously and effortlessly happy. Even now, a month and a half post break up; being around him just soothes me and he always finds a way to make me feel like I’m the only person in the room… whether that is intentional or not, I don’t know.

Its been a month and a half since we broke up and I figured that its about that time to get back out there. So, last night I decided to re-download Bumble. Swiped 100 times or so, sent some screen shots to my friends and then went to bed. Before I went to bed my friend texted me saying “text me tomorrow, let me know if you matched with anyone.” I thought this was strange because I already matched with about 15 guys in the hour I had been swiping. Did she think it would take longer than that? Anyway, when I woke up in the morning there was a lot more. And, although it’s kind of validating it felt really empty. I was actually a little annoyed. I felt like, this is stupid, meaningless, a waste of time. But I messaged a few of them anyway and went into work. After a couple hours at work I went back into the app and deleted it, less than 24 hours later. I just can’t find the love of my life this way. Especially when I’m fairly certain I already know him. If these other guys were my soulmates the Universe would have brought us together some how by now.

I thought about it some more and started to wonder is this why we are all still single? Because we are messing with the natural way of things? According to Wikipedia there are 12.5 million people on  Bumble… that’s like a quarter of the population in United States. And that’s JUST BUMBLE! What the actual fuck, you guys? How is it that we are all single, all looking but we literally can’t find one another. There are ENDLESS available men inside my phone but WHERE ARE THEY? Why are they not walking up to us at bars, why am I not bumping into them at the coffee shop or connecting with them at work? Is the dating app world killing actual real life dating?

So, I’m sick of it. Over it. My fear of never finding love, never having a family and dying alone is literally seeming more desirable than trying to sort through these photos and 300 character blurbs. Who can portray who they are and what they want in 300 characters? I know that some of these guys are probably great but it’s just so superficial and feels so unconnected. That’s just not me. I am deep and I have so much love to give, the dating app world goes against everything that I am, everything that feels natural to me.

So, here I am. I’m waving my white flag. I surrender. I give up. I just hope love finds me in the real word. Some way, some how.

Keep your head up and your heart open, babes.

-m.

Wanted

All she wanted was for him to let her in
She wanted to see the darkest corners of his soul
She wanted to see his light and she wanted to be a part of brightening it
She wanted to explore his thoughts 
She wanted to feel his emotions 

She wanted to love him
Deeply, endlessly, intensely, unconditionally

But he just wouldn't 
He just couldn't 

 -M.

Follow Your Heart To Me

As he lay in her bed
in the latest hour of the night
She turned out the light

"oh no. I can't see a thing"
she whispered into the darkness

"just follow your heart."
he told her

She could feel his smile in
the darkness and hoped he
could feel hers too

She made her way to him
and settled in

-M.

Thank you for breaking my heart.

My heart has been broken a lot and I used to be really bitter and sad and broken over it. Now, I’m not. I am thankful. Especially to the two men the broke my heart the most. My ex-husband broke my heart over and over again, a countless amount of times. My ex-boyfriend broke my heart so devastatingly that I never thought I would recover. But I did, and I am thankful.

Over the past 2 to 3 years I have truly struggled. I now look back on that time and those struggles proudly. I look in the mirror proudly. I look within proudly. I have saved myself, I have found myself, I have grown and conquered and I have become so unapologetically me. And don’t get me wrong, I am nowhere near done. I want to keep living, keep growing, keep loving.

I have been single for a good two years now. I almost fell for someone once or twice within those two years but nothing or no one has stuck. I have broken down and cried a more than healthy amount and I don’t regret a moment of it. The fact that I can still love, that I still even entertain the idea of love is my biggest accomplishment. Part of that… my very favorite part is that I have learned about different types of love. I have a deep understanding now of what it means to love people who are not your significant other. I was always so obsessed with being in love that I didn’t pay enough attention to the other loves in my life; my family and friends and of course; myself. I neglected those loves and that was a huge oversight on my part.

So, this is why I am thanking the two men that broke my heart so often and so devastatingly. I am thankful for every break because I believe that it has allowed more room and more give to this scarred heart of mine. I feel like when my family and friends and I put my heart back together we made it so that it was no longer like glass; no longer fragile and unforgiving but more like… an ocean, to be honest with you. You can’t see the end. My love crashes down onto the shore of everyone I meet and love. Constantly moving, no end in sight. I just love. And I am so fucking thankful for it.

I’m single now and instead of constantly worrying about when I will find “the one” I am writing, painting, taking photos, reading, exploring weird and spiritual avenues, having deep conversations at 1 am, and living the life I missed out on in my twenties and loving every second of this beautifully crazy life. I won’t lie, I want to find a true and romantic kind of love and I want it to be so real and so deep and I want it to be forever this time but I can wait. We will come together when the time is just right and it will be worth every second of waiting.

For now, I will focus on loving me and all the people I am lucky enough to have in my life, and loving life in general. I hope that my clarity, my calm and my love touches the hearts and souls of those around me. I honestly and deeply hope it spreads like wildfire because it is a beautiful and fulfilling feeling to love unconditionally.

Namaste, my friends. Keep your head up and your heart open.

 

-M.