I am starting to wonder and worry about what it will be like when my love life starts to go in a positive direction. Will I ever be able to be in a normal, healthy relationship after all of the bullshit and dysfunction I have been through? Will I be able to let go of all the negativity and disappointments of my past relationships and trust my future partner? I think that I am fair and emotionally intelligent and in touch with my feeling and very communicative and honest but… is all of that enough to counteract the liars and the fuck boys? Have these heartless boys done too much damage? And is it my fault for letting them.
I should be in therapy. We should all be in therapy. I know that. But I still don’t go. I put it off and I put it off. I try to do it all by myself. I try to heal myself. But is it possible? Or am I being too independent? Am I being negligent? I’m not crazy. I’m anxious and I am a very emotional and deep person living in a world that tells me that it’s bad to feel and share your emotions and where shallowness rules. I won’t adapt or conform. I don’t want to. My soul feels right. I know who I am, I know that I am good and that my heart is full of love and compassion and I wouldn’t give that up for anything. I wear my scars and heartbreak like medals of honor. I have survived the worst of it and I wake up every morning with good intentions in my heart.
I am a good, loving, honest person. I know that. In my bones, I. fucking. know. that. But then someone you cared about and trusted tells you are something different. It knocks you back for a second. You have mini identity crisis and ask yourself if you’ve been lying to yourself. You run through all of your actions and thoughts that may be connected to these accusations and you assess. In my recent experience with this I found that I was a very innocent, semi-heartbroken, ego bruised girl trying to make the best of a shitty situation… my one mistake – alcohol. An emotional me mixed with alcohol can make things interesting. My sense of humor goes a little off the rails and I say things that have literally never entered my brain before. Embarrassing – but pretty fucking innocent in the grand scheme of things.
Bad shit happens to me, bad shit happens to everyone. We are all just trying to get through… so what the fuck. Be nice to each other. LOVE MORE. Be a good friend. Tell the truth. Smile at people. Take a second to LISTEN. Take a moment to try to understand someone else’s point of view. Its really not that hard. Just don’t be a dick, trust me, it’s so easy and you feel better at the end of the day.
Sometimes I have urges. I have urges to throw being a good person to the side and to take a few minutes to be petty as fuck. I see people around me doing it and it seems like it comes with no consequence. I just think its not for me. Because even when I try to stick up for myself and tell someone to fuck off for lying and treating me like shit, it backfires. I expect too much for others. I expect and apology and get excuses and judgement instead. I expect respect and empathy and I’m met with hypocrisy and accusations. It’s so ridiculous that I am actually laughing about it now. It is so absurd that I would do the things that I have been accused of that I just simply don’t care anymore. I’m sure in a couple days I will feel hurt and frustrated again but right now I am going to enjoy this high of not caring. It just feels too good not to enjoy it while it lasts.
I am going to go enjoy this feeling of being fuck boy free.
Until next time – keep your head up and your heart open. Namaste my loves.