I am so sick of all of this modern day dating bull shit.
I have been pretty much single for the last two years. And I stay pretty positive for the most part. I have met some awesome guys that didn’t work out romantically but I have remained friends or at least friendly with a decent amount of them. It’s funny because every time I actually really like someone they break it off and whenever someone really likes me I break it off. What the fuck is that? Just bad luck? Bad timing? I honestly can’t even explain why I didn’t like some of these guys. And not to be overly confident but I know that I’m a catch. I’m funny and warm and understanding. Why the hell am I still searching? It should be easier than this for fucks sake.
A couple months ago a started seeing a friend on a more romantic level. And I loved it. It felt so good and natural even though I had had my reservations about him prior to giving in to my feelings for him… he’s 5 years younger than me (I know, classic me), lives with his parents, and we work together. Basically, 3 of my biggest deal breakers. But, he makes me laugh, and I make him laugh and when we are together I am enormously and effortlessly happy. Even now, a month and a half post break up; being around him just soothes me and he always finds a way to make me feel like I’m the only person in the room… whether that is intentional or not, I don’t know.
Its been a month and a half since we broke up and I figured that its about that time to get back out there. So, last night I decided to re-download Bumble. Swiped 100 times or so, sent some screen shots to my friends and then went to bed. Before I went to bed my friend texted me saying “text me tomorrow, let me know if you matched with anyone.” I thought this was strange because I already matched with about 15 guys in the hour I had been swiping. Did she think it would take longer than that? Anyway, when I woke up in the morning there was a lot more. And, although it’s kind of validating it felt really empty. I was actually a little annoyed. I felt like, this is stupid, meaningless, a waste of time. But I messaged a few of them anyway and went into work. After a couple hours at work I went back into the app and deleted it, less than 24 hours later. I just can’t find the love of my life this way. Especially when I’m fairly certain I already know him. If these other guys were my soulmates the Universe would have brought us together some how by now.
I thought about it some more and started to wonder is this why we are all still single? Because we are messing with the natural way of things? According to Wikipedia there are 12.5 million people on Bumble… that’s like a quarter of the population in United States. And that’s JUST BUMBLE! What the actual fuck, you guys? How is it that we are all single, all looking but we literally can’t find one another. There are ENDLESS available men inside my phone but WHERE ARE THEY? Why are they not walking up to us at bars, why am I not bumping into them at the coffee shop or connecting with them at work? Is the dating app world killing actual real life dating?
So, I’m sick of it. Over it. My fear of never finding love, never having a family and dying alone is literally seeming more desirable than trying to sort through these photos and 300 character blurbs. Who can portray who they are and what they want in 300 characters? I know that some of these guys are probably great but it’s just so superficial and feels so unconnected. That’s just not me. I am deep and I have so much love to give, the dating app world goes against everything that I am, everything that feels natural to me.
So, here I am. I’m waving my white flag. I surrender. I give up. I just hope love finds me in the real word. Some way, some how.
Keep your head up and your heart open, babes.