Jaded

“Every woman has the exact love life she wants.” -Nick Mercer

Remember that line? It’s from The Wedding Date with Debra Messing and Dermot Mulroney back in 2005. That quote has always stuck with me and I question myself on it frequently. Especially on a day like today as I break things off with yet another eligible bachelor. I ask myself to dig deep and figure out what is really going on with me. Why is it that I’m only ever interested in the ones that are seemingly only half interested or partially available (usually for a legitimate emotional reason that I completely relate to)? Why is it that when someone offers their love to me I respond with a cold “thanks, but no thanks.”

I’m jaded.

Am I ruined forever? And if this is temporary, when will it end? Am I just being picky? Following my heart? Am I just confused? What the fuck am I even doing? Am I sabotaging all of my chances at love, happiness, and starting a family? Or is it that the right guy just hasn’t shown up yet?

A couple weeks ago I was explaining to my friends girlfriend that I was dating and describing the guys I was currently seeing. She responded by asking me if any of them “set my soul on fire”. To which I responded “that means nothing to me. I found the one that set my soul on fire and he left me. No warning, no explaination. He just left and he’s never coming back so I don’t trust that feeling and it doesn’t mean anything in the long run.”

That also goes for the notion that “when I meet the right guy it will make sense why it didn’t work with anyone else.” I so badly wish and hope that this is true but I roll my eyes at this, too. Because, I’ve already felt that, too. With that same person that abandoned me, of course.

I don’t want this love life. But maybe I’m just not completely healed and ready yet. Maybe I’m only capable of a sort of half relationship for now. Maybe closure is right around corner.

A girl can dream…

So, here’s to moving on. Here’s to finding your real, true soulmate. Here’s to not settling. Here’s to finding love and happiness. Here’s to HOPE, no matter how little there is left in you.

Good luck out there.

-M.

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