Today would have been my 5th wedding anniversary. But, it’s not. Instead, my life is completely different than it was just a year ago, and all the years before that as well. It is no where near perfect but I am now on the right track. Although at times I was stressed out, beat down and felt pretty close to hopeless; I stayed persistent with my goals and I’m now on the train home from my job at a super cool company that is going to help my dreams come true.
At some point in 2013 I realized that I was a one man show when it came to making a life I wanted to live. Of course, I had a man by my side, to speak generously but honestly… I still have a hard time figuring out the dynamic of our relationship. I always wanted more for both of us and when I talked about it he would agree but then nothing would happen. I would take all the necessary steps to get where I or we wanted to go and sadly come out on the other side realizing he’d never done a thing to contribute toward our goals. It’s taken me a little less than one year to get where I should have been 2 years ago. He just could never step outside his comfort zone and now I can say with complete truthfulness that I’m thankful for this. I’ve always had trouble deciding what I WANT… And he showed me what I don’t want; a mediocre, small, boring life. I now know with complete certainty that I want to learn, grow, travel, explore, experience, accomplish, become wiser and stronger and more understanding. I want depth and meaning and I want someone to share all that with. And now, I do.
Once, I get off this train I will walk to my apartment and then drive over to spend the weekend with my boyfriend who is the icing on all the cakes. I have found what I have always craved; the kind of love that is undeniable, pure, full of respect and good intentions and unwavering. He makes me feel so special and lucky and just simply loved. I fucking adore him. Do you know what it feels like to truly adore someone? It’s so fucking gratifying. I simply can’t get enough of him. I just want to be close to him and kiss him endlessly. Falling asleep next to him is so deeply comforting and opening up my eyes at the beginning of a new day with him by side is rewarding; like, I must be doing something right to have the pleasure of waking up next to this amazing, generous, understanding, thoughtful, loving man.
I was always skeptical of the idea of soulmates… I mean, I wanted it to be real but I knew that it wasn’t logical. He’s made me believe… Not because he believes or anything like that, I honestly don’t even know if he does. But I do believe now, and it’s because I believe he’s my soulmate. No matter how different we are we just fit together, like puzzle pieces. He is what I was missing out of life, what I had been searching for when I didn’t even realize I was searching. He is my reward for enduring my life until now. It sounds completely ridiculous but that’s just what it feels like to be in love with him. The past doesn’t matter because he’s here now; my modern day knight in shining armor. Which in this case his armor would be a polo and khakis or what I like to call his “Bruce Springsteen jeans” and a Spartan Race t-shirt, depending on the day you might catch him on.
Whenever something goes wrong and I’m stressed out or upset at something he did or said he always finds a way to remind me that I’m his first priority and that he just wants me to be happy and then he actively tries to make me happy. He is constantly thinking about my happiness and that is truly enough for me; its fucking heartwarming.
Shortly after my separation I ran into someone who was close with my ex and I (she married my ex’s best friend on August 4th… Our dating anniversary, lol). We were in the middle of the local liquor store and I was actually headed to my former apartment to pick up some things and hang out for a while since my ex was away for a few days. But first; I had to stop at the liquor store to get ingredients I needed for a Thanksgiving Day cocktail I was going to make. My arms are full of wine bottles and brandy and we proceeded to have the most uncomfortable conversation I’ve ever had in my entire life. It was just like a broken record of the curtesy “so… How are you?” and a lot of head nodding and what not. This girl and I could not be more different. She was religious, girly, and kind of went along with whatever her boyfriend said… I’m not any of those things. Then, after a few rounds of the most awkward how-are-you’s in the history of the friggen Galaxy she very awkwardly and absentmindedly (as usual) asked me if I was happy. Point blank… Just: “so… Are you… Happy?” Yes, in the middle of a busy liquor store like 2 days before Thanksgiving and less than a month from when my divorce was final… What. The. Fuck. I was baffled. Dumbfounded. This was stupid, even for her! I felt like saying “Yes. I’m fucking ecstatic! I’m 29, divorced, childless, and living with my parents in the town I’ve been trying to get the fuck out of for the past 10 years! I’m soooooooo fucking happy!”. I wasn’t miserable by any means but just the fact that she would ask made my skin crawl and irked me to my very soul.
But, the truth is that I had already started dating my boyfriend at that time and I was smitten with him… And against my intentions I was already falling for him. So, in reality I wasn’t unhappy, I just thought it was a completely thoughtless thing to ask. People do that, though. People are just ignorant to any type of etiquette when it comes to divorce. They feel like they need to feel sorry for you and apologize and ask “what happened?!?!”. And I understand the curiosity but at the same time you need to remember that it’s none of your business and that if its ended its for the best. No one goes through a divorce over burnt toast, you know what I mean? (I think I might use that reason the next time someone asks me what happened. I’ll shrug and say “welp, he burnt my toast one day and that was that”).
The moral of the story is that when you are going through a break up it might feel like your life is over and yes, a part of your life is definitely over but that’s not necessarily a bad thing. It’s what you make of it. Just brace yourself for the unnecessary pity, unwanted apologies, thoughtless questions and tactless remarks. Most importantly; be prepared to let something good into your life. I was scared and wasn’t looking to get into a relationship for at least a year and I honestly believe that would have been the biggest mistake of my life.
In conclusion I would like to truthfully answer that awkward, thoughtless, invasive question that was posed to me in the local liquor store back in November: Yes, I am happy. I’m happy with my choices. I’m happy that I’m divorced. I am simply happy in the purest way.
I. Am. Happy.