The “C” Word

 

Realizing I have not posted anything since December I wonder where I should even begin. I have been writing but I have been keeping it all to myself for a couple different reasons. The number one reason I have been keeping it to myself is that I have been keeping a secret.

You see; I started dating a guy that I work with. So scandalous, I know. He is 4 and ½ years younger than me, my co-worker, and a truly good person. So, you can imagine my hesitation after the things I have been through over the past year. The divorce, and the seemingly great guys that turned out to be not great at all. I was terrified that he was going to hurt me or worse; that I would hurt him and that would have destroyed me. So, I laid all my cards out on the table. I told him my issues, told him I was planning to move away, told him I didn’t want to hurt him and didn’t expect us to get serious. He listened and understood and that was the beginning of the greatest experience of my life. We spent time together, got to know each other, had fun together and became friends. We had so much in common that I was not expecting; music, beer, running, and then our feelings for each other. But, we’ll get to all that later. Basically, I was just so fucking busy between getting to know him, closing the previous chapter of my life, and trying to pull my life back together.

Divorce is a bitch. Not only are you breaking up with the person that was supposed to be there for you always but you lose friends. It’s natural and inevitable. As much as my ex-husband and I are good with each other it is much more difficult for our friends to deal with us being in the same room post break up. I don’t expect that I will ever be in the same room with all of those people I called my friends for the last ten years ever again. It is sad but I don’t blame anyone. It’s uncomfortable and honestly I don’t think it would be good for my psychological wellbeing. Mostly because I don’t want to put myself in the position of ever falling back into the toxic, draining, unhealthy relationship I had with him and them ever again. Trust me, I blame myself. I should have fucking known better. To be completely honest, I did know. I knew the whole time that the relationship was toxic and continued with it because 1. I loved him and cared about him and 2. I needed to punish myself. Why? I haven’t completely worked that out yet – I’ll keep you posted.

Why I needed so badly to write now is that I’m going through another very scary experience and it could turn out to be life changing and writing helps me sort out my feelings and process things. Now, this next part may be a little TMI for the immature so please use your discretion. I went to my doctor for my annual checkup and part of the checkup was the oh-so-beloved Pap smear. Although I have never had an abnormal Pap smear it always seems to ensue with a small nagging worry in the back of my mind until I get the phone call saying “all clear!”. Welp, that did not happen this time.

Thursday afternoon I received a voicemail from a blocked phone number. I listened to the message and it was an extremely awkward message left by the nurse practitioner that performed my Pap smear. Something didn’t sit right with me. It was too late to call her back so I called the office first thing the next morning. The woman who answered looked me up and sounded like she was going to give me the results until she saw what the results actually were. She then said the nurse practitioner wouldn’t be back in the office until Monday and asked if I wanted to wait until then or have someone else call me back. Are you fucking kidding me? After all of this awkwardness you think I’m going to wait until Monday to hear what the fuck is wrong with me?! I asked that someone call me back that day.

Another nurse called me back. I missed it. After sitting at my desk and staring at my phone all day I got up to go to the bathroom around lunch time; thinking that there is no way someone will call me at lunch. Of course she did. So, I called back immediately and finally got someone on the phone that was qualified to tell me my fate. “You’re Pap came back abnormal” she said, “You will need to get a biopsy” she said. “What is this for?” I didn’t understand why I needed a biopsy. I was confused. “You have possibly cancerous cells in your cervix.”

The good news is that what they found is “low grade” (whatever the fuck that means) and that if it is cancer they probably found it very early on. The bad news is that I am on the latter part of my 29th year with no children yet so cervical cancer or any kind of cancer is terrifying to me, not because of the cancer part but because I know it will complicate having children. Do I want children? Yes. Very much so. This is especially terrifying to me because infertility has been a running fear of mine for quite some time. It’s funny because I’m literally not afraid to have cancer; I’m just afraid to be infertile. Although, I would love to and plan to adopt I have always longed to be pregnant.

Anyway, that is what is going on with me these days. I’m going to try my best not to worry myself too much and lucky for me I have a great support system. I just feel like I have met my quota with how much support I have gotten since my break up. I hate to put my family and friends though any more worry. Which is probably why I am writing this here although I have not told my family or many of my friends.

-M.

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