Well, life just seems to get more and more interesting every day. James from the last post is gone. It just simply fizzled out I guess. Honestly, I think that he was casually dating someone back home when he met me and he used me to make her jealous so that she would commit to him. Or, maybe he just does this sort of thing often. You know, there are the type of people that are always single and I think they can be broken down into these three groups:
1. The people who go all in instantly and get bored quickly.
2. The people who are too picky and don’t like anyone because they are looking for perfection (FYI, perfection is relative… it’s all relative).
3. The people who are down on themselves and have given up because they think they are not worthy of love.
James is the first one, I think. He is very fun and flirty but he is happy being single. I think he likes to get girls to like him, he likes the chase and once it’s over he is bored and disappears. Which, worked out pretty well in my case because the day he stopped talking to me was the day I met someone else… and this is where things get more interesting… let me elaborate…
On August 22nd my beautiful/oldest/best friend; we’ll call her Elizabeth, got married. We’ll call her husband Sean. So, Elizabeth and Sean are getting married and I am in the wedding with my two other best friends from high school. We are all up in New Hampshire/Maine for the wedding. My Ex opted out of going. He told me to go by myself and have a good time which I am still unsure how I truly feel about his decision. The thing about it is that since we broke up he has not even tried to get me back. It has made it easier for me in some ways but it also makes me feel like shit, too. Like, did he ever really care? I mean, I know that he loved me and probably will always love me (and I will always love him, too) but, really? No flowers? No ‘I miss you’ text messages? Nothing? It makes me feel like shit, worthless, insignificant.
Anyway, back to my best friend’s wedding (I love saying that, good movie). The wedding is at this gorgeous country club that looks like a gigantic red barn. It wasn’t a perfect day, it was cloudy and a little chilly but honestly, I have seen some gorgeous pictures from weddings with stormy or cloudy backgrounds. She was gorgeous and everything was so well thought out and special and I was jealous in a good way because I am so beyond happy for her. She deserves to be happy because she is truly one of the best people in the entire world and I love her so much (oh man, tearing up already). Since I was there without a date I decided I was just going to have a good time with my friends. I got sad a couple times, not because I missed my husband but because I know that I want marriage and children and I know it is going to be a long time before I find the right person for that. It’s scary to look into my future and not be able to picture it anymore. I don’t know who my partner will be (will I get married again?) I don’t know what my life will look like, you know? Before the wedding I had inquired about potential prospects and knew there would not be much to choose from. I had planned to grab Dave (mentioned in the Wrigleyville blog) for every slow song. There ended up not being many slow songs so I didn’t ever feel the need to force him to dance with me. Toward the end of the night I had grabbed him during a song to try to get him to dance with me and my girlfriends and he humored me for about 30 seconds. At some point during the night I had noticed this guy that looked ever so slightly like a famous movie star. I noticed him looking at me a couple times and then found out from Sean who he was and that he was single. Sean encouraged me to talk to him a couple times but I kept shrugging it off and said that I was all set. I don’t know why, maybe it was my gut telling me to stay away from him or my heart trying to protect itself. See, with Dave I knew what to expect, I knew what I was getting into. With this new guy… who knows? When the last dance of the night comes on my girlfriend and I start to slow dance together (her husband was away for work and couldn’t make it) but all of a sudden the new guy is asking if he can cut in and his friend is close behind him to take my friend off my hands. We dance and he says “I’m so sorry, I’ve been wanting to ask you to dance all night but I kept chickening out… and now I’m all sweaty.” I reached up and touched the back of his head and his hair was drenched in sweat and I said “I kinda like it. Is that weird?” and he said it was weird but that it wasn’t necessarily a bad thing to be weird. We chatted a little bit and I was attracted to him but something was definitely holding me back but I am still not able to really put my finger on it. He told me his name and to be honest I don’t really remember what we talked about I just remember the feeling and it’s something I can’t describe. We are going to call this new guy Mr. Four Seasons, 4S for short, and I want you to think of him as a young Richard Gere and specifically in the role of Edward Lewis in Pretty Woman. And I, of course, am Vivian Ward, except I am not a prostitute, I am just a dumb, hopelessly romantic, girl that never learns her fucking lesson and never takes her own advice. After the song is over we part ways… I don’t even remember what we said to each other but I think we discussed meeting up at the hotel to hang out.
When I got back to the hotel I went up to my room to change. I changed into the cheap green jersey dress from Old Navy and looked at myself quickly in the mirror and shrugged my shoulders. “Get over yourself.” I said. I do this a lot. You know that moment that you look in the mirror and you don’t like the way you look? You have a decision to make. Do you want to change your outfit 5 more times and still be unhappy with the way you look and frustrated beyond belief or do you want to shrug it off and walk out the door to go live life in the moment? You have to force yourself to do it but it is your choice. The thing is, I am my own worst critic. I am so fucking hard on myself that I know that when I look in the mirror that that is not the same person everyone else sees when they look at me. No one can see my uncomfortableness like I can because they are not in my skin. So, I shrug off the imperfections and I walked out the door by myself… this is a significant moment for me. I didn’t wait for my friends I just went downstairs alone because it is ok to be alone sometimes.
When I stepped off the elevator there was a group of people standing in the hallway that were guests of the wedding. Mr. Four Seasons was one of them and when he saw me he threw his arms up in the air and said something like “There you are!” or maybe he said my name, I’m not sure. Anyway, he was excited to see me. He put his arm around me and we tried to get into the pool area but it was closed so we decided to head out to the patio behind the hotel where there was a fire pit. At the fire pit we talked and talked and got closer and closer. He gave me his jacket at some point and we started making plans to go into Boston the next day. He kept asking me if I would definitely meet up with him and I remember thinking it was odd that he was afraid that I would blow him off. Guys normally don’t care or assume that you want them so incredibly bad that you would never dream of passing up an opportunity to hang out with them. As we’re discussing the city I mentioned something about how much I love Chicago and asked him what area he lived in; “I lived in Lakeview but I just bought a condo in Lincoln Park.” There is a very, very brief pause and then he had that I-have-a-brilliant-idea-face and asked:
“Do you want to move in with me?!” I laughed and he smiled.
“Well, that depends. Is it a two bedroom?” I asked.
“It is. But, we only need one bedroom.” He replies…
And as I look back on this moment I’m going to call the smile he flashed me his Con-Man smile. And, me? I fell for it. Of course I did. I will always be hopelessly devoted to believing that everyone I meet is as genuine and honest as I am until they blatantly prove me wrong. There is just not that many genuine and honest people out there and I will never understand this fact.
Soon, we are kissing. I don’t remember who kissed who I just remember that it was sweet and subtle. People started to disburse and head back to their rooms and we decided to go up to my room so we could talk alone. Honest. We did do a lot of talking. We talked about everything and at one point I mentioned that I am newly single.
“So, what? Always a bridesmaid never a bride?” he asked.
I hesitate and he pushes the pillow that is between us down so he can look me in the eyes. I run through all the potential scenarios in my head as quickly as possible; lying vs. telling the truth, good outcome vs. bad outcome, everything. I smirk to attempt to soften the blow…
“Actually. No. Out of the 4 of us I was the second one to get married.” He makes a face, he’s surprised. I’m surprised no one had told him at some point during the night. We both laugh nervously.
We talk about why my marriage failed and he tells me that he is happy to have met me now because it says a lot about my character that I am not “broken” or “ruined” by my failed marriage. He uses the word perfect to describe the circumstance in which we met. He actually uses the word perfect when referring to me and “us” often. I get wrapped up in all this talk. I fall for it, I believe it. I am a sucker, a hopeless romantic and this is what I do. We continue to talk and kiss and talk some more and then we fall asleep cuddled up next to each other with my head on his shoulder at around 5 o’clock in the morning. I ask him to talk to me until I fall asleep; “tell me a story” I request. He’s quiet for a minute and I tell him it’s fine if he doesn’t want to, I was kidding – sort of. “No, no.” he says “I was trying to think of a story.” And a couple minutes later he said “I got one.” I don’t even remember what it was but I drifted off to sleep and the whole night felt like a dream.
About an hour later Mr. Four Seasons wakes up abruptly, like the way you wake up when you think you are late for work. He’s panicking about the time and what time check out is at his hotel which is across town and he pretty much jumps out of the bed and gathers up all his things in a rush. I’m like “Whoa, it’s 6 am. Relax.”
“Are you going to go to brunch?” he asks.
“Yes. Are you?” I ask.
“No! No! I can’t go to brunch. No way. I can’t.” he blurts out.
Ok. So, at this point I’m thinking this guy it a goner. I am never going to hear from him or see him again. But then, he slowed down for a minute long enough to give me a sweet kiss goodbye and mentioned that he would talk to me later but I just assumed that I wouldn’t hear from him ever again. I figured that would be the end of it.
After he left I got up to take a shower so I wouldn’t have to do it later. I thought my hair was going to be a crazy mess and that I would look like hell but I was actually pleased with what I saw. Mr. Four Seasons and I had taken out all my bobby pins before we fell asleep and it was cute but I was very self-conscious of what I looked like after the bobby pins came out. I was happy to not look like Medusa. I took a shower and when I got out a looked a little closer in the mirror and got a little freaked out… I had a hickey… on my lip. Only me. This would only happen to me. I am freaking out now that I have to go to brunch with a fucking bruise/hickey on my lip. But, it’s 6:00 in the morning and I’ve had one measly hour of sleep so I lay back down and try to forget about it. I manage to get in a couple more hours of sleep before heading to brunch.
At brunch there seems to be a buzz. A lot of gossip about Mr. Four Seasons and I and I just didn’t really care. I felt like I was in an eternal good mood. I was just happy to have met someone that thought I was funny and sexy and wanted to talk to me for a long period of time about nothing and everything… I have to say, this is hard for me. Writing all this down, remembering how good it felt and how he was pretty much exactly what I was looking for when I didn’t even know what I was looking for. He was everything I never thought I could have. I kept reeling myself back in, reminding myself that nothing is ever this easy and that there will be a catch even though I believe I deserve easy after everything I have endured over the past several years.
My friends kept asking if I was going to meet up with him and I told them that we would have to wait and see if he followed up. I shrugged, “I’m not going to reach out to him. If he wants to see me again he will make it happen.” People started to leave from brunch but I stuck around to spend more time with Elizabeth. Once brunch wound down a group of us decided to go for a walk along the beach. Everyone was from Chicago beside myself and Elizabeth. It was really nice to get to hang out with her and some of her friends from Chicago. Before we headed out to the beach I got a text from Mr. Four Seasons and this is exactly what it said:
Mr. Four Seasons, Aug. 23, 11:31 am: “Goooooooood morning!! How are you feeling?? Are your eyelashes still hanging in there? #talkwithyourhand” (this is an inside joke).
Me, Aug. 23, 11:36 am: “I am good, eyelashes are gone… At brunch now… John is gossiping about us. Haha”
Mr. Four Seasons, Aug. 23, 11:51am: “Bahhh! He’s just wicked jealous. I give you props for making it to brunch! You’re the real MVP”
We texted back and forth some pictures of where we were because I walking the coast and he was in downtown Portsmouth. Then we started making plans for the day. His friends that I was with started to ask if I was texting with Mr. 4S, I said yes. One of the girls that was with us started telling me how he is a really nice guy, that he never stays out late like he did the previous night, and that he doesn’t usually talk to or hit on girls. She was really talking him up and his friends were agreeing. I started talking to her about going to Boston and that they should really come with us. During this chat he is still texting me:
Mr. Four Seasons, Aug. 23, 12:36 pm: “Yeah, about to head to Beantown… what’s your plan missy?”
Me, Aug. 23, 12:39pm: “No plans.”
Mr. Four Seasons, Aug. 23, 12:50pm: “Well, are you staying another night here? We could use a tour guide..” [thumbs up emoji].
I tell him that I am heading home but that is close enough to Boston to meet them. Then I ask him where he is staying because his friends had decided to come with us and wanted to try to book the same hotel.
Mr. Four Seasons, Aug. 23, 1:10 pm: “The Four Seasons right by the Boston Yard, I think.”
First of all, Boston Yard is not a thing, he is talking about Boston Public Garden and second of all, the fucking Four Seasons? What the fuck? I remember him mentioning it the night before but it didn’t register. Honestly, I knew it was expensive to stay there but I didn’t know how expensive until right now. I just looked it up and it costs $600-900 per night. I have never stayed at hotel that was more than $200 per night. I had no friggen clue it was that expensive – holy shit. Anyway… let’s keep moving along…
As we all started heading back to our cars my phone rang, his friend was walking next to me and immediately asked if it was him when he saw the smile on my face when I said yes, he smirked. I read into stuff like this, the way people react to stuff. It probably meant nothing but I felt like people, his friends, were surprised by what was unfolding between me and him and they didn’t hesitate to say “he never does stuff like this” and “he’s such a nice guy”. It made it seem like they were trying to protect him from me. And I sort of understand; if they knew that I was in the process of getting a divorce it might not look good to them, you know? They might think it will get messy or I am just on the rebound. The thing is, I am more cautious with other people’s feelings than my own and if you do right by me I will always try to protect you from the evils of this world, even if I am the evil for whatever reason. Mr. Four Seasons and I had covered all of this stuff the night before; I am a relationship person, I want to get married again and have a family, I want to move to Chicago and get my master’s degree, and I am not “damaged” from my break up. I am in a much better place emotionally now than I ever have been before. Unfortunately, I think he had already forgotten about this conversation and what was said about a week after it took place.
At this point in the weekend this is where my head was at: I liked him and was interested in spending more time with him. It was clear that he felt the same way about me. When I got home I got ready to go into Boston and my head was in the clouds, swimming with all these thoughts about how good this guy is for me. I was reeling. It was crazy to me that I met someone this great so quickly but something kept holding me back from completely falling for this guy. I don’t know if I was just protecting myself from getting hurt again or if my gut was telling my heart and my head to slow the fuck down which was hard to do when he was filling my head with talk of being together in Chicago, what we would do, where we would go, future talk. It was so fast and I think that may be what was scaring me but I thought it was time to take a risk. I would regret it if I didn’t… or would I have?
To be continued…
Stay tuned for Part 2!