Recklessness vs Logic

His chaotic insanity undeniably drew her in,

Her reliable logic begged her to walk away,

But her curiosity won and forced her to linger,

infatuated with the unpredictability and mania in his soul.

-m.

I just want to be petty for once in my life.

I am starting to wonder and worry about what it will be like when my love life starts to go in a positive direction. Will I ever be able to be in a normal, healthy relationship after all of the bullshit and dysfunction I have been through? Will I be able to let go of all the negativity and disappointments of my past relationships and trust my future partner? I think that I am fair and emotionally intelligent and in touch with my feeling and very communicative and honest but… is all of that enough to counteract the liars and the fuck boys? Have these heartless boys done too much damage? And is it my fault for letting them.

I should be in therapy. We should all be in therapy. I know that. But I still don’t go. I put it off and I put it off. I try to do it all by myself. I try to heal myself. But is it possible? Or am I being too independent? Am I being negligent? I’m not crazy. I’m anxious and I am a very emotional and deep person living in a world that tells me that it’s bad to feel and share your emotions and where shallowness rules. I won’t adapt or conform. I don’t want to. My soul feels right. I know who I am, I know that I am good and that my heart is full of love and compassion and I wouldn’t give that up for anything. I wear my scars and heartbreak like medals of honor. I have survived the worst of it and I wake up every morning with good intentions in my heart.

I am a good, loving, honest person. I know that. In my bones, I. fucking. know. that. But then someone you cared about and trusted tells you are something different. It knocks you back for a second. You have mini identity crisis and ask yourself if you’ve been lying to yourself. You run through all of your actions and thoughts that may be connected to these accusations and you assess. In my recent experience with this I found that I was a very innocent, semi-heartbroken, ego bruised girl trying to make the best of a shitty situation… my one mistake – alcohol. An emotional me mixed with alcohol can make things interesting. My sense of humor goes a little off the rails and I say things that have literally never entered my brain before. Embarrassing – but pretty fucking innocent in the grand scheme of things.

Bad shit happens to me, bad shit happens to everyone. We are all just trying to get through… so what the fuck. Be nice to each other. LOVE MORE. Be a good friend. Tell the truth. Smile at people. Take a second to LISTEN. Take a moment to try to understand someone else’s point of view. Its really not that hard. Just don’t be a dick, trust me, it’s so easy and you feel better at the end of the day.

Sometimes I have urges. I have urges to throw being a good person to the side and to take a few minutes to be petty as fuck. I see people around me doing it and it seems like it comes with no consequence. I just think its not for me. Because even when I try to stick up for myself and tell someone to fuck off for lying and treating me like shit, it backfires. I expect too much for others. I expect and apology and get excuses and judgement instead. I expect respect and empathy and I’m met with hypocrisy and accusations. It’s so ridiculous that I am actually laughing about it now. It is so absurd that I would do the things that I have been accused of that I just simply don’t care anymore. I’m sure in a couple days I will feel hurt and frustrated again but right now I am going to enjoy this high of not caring. It just feels too good not to enjoy it while it lasts.

I am going to go enjoy this feeling of being fuck boy free.

Until next time – keep your head up and your heart open. Namaste my loves.

 

-m.

The Sun & The Moon

The Sun shines on every day

Without the slightest idea of how much

The Moon loves and admires her



-m.

This Dating App Bullshit is Bullshit

 

I am so sick of all of this modern day dating bull shit.

So.

Fucking.

Sick.

Of.

It.

I have been pretty much single for the last two years. And I stay pretty positive for the most part. I have met some awesome guys that didn’t work out romantically but I have remained friends or at least friendly with a decent amount of them. It’s funny because every time I actually really like someone they break it off and whenever someone really likes me I break it off. What the fuck is that? Just bad luck? Bad timing? I honestly can’t even explain why I didn’t like some of these guys. And not to be overly confident but I know that I’m a catch. I’m funny and warm and understanding. Why the hell am I still searching? It should be easier than this for fucks sake.

A couple months ago a started seeing a friend on a more romantic level. And I loved it. It felt so good and natural even though I had had my reservations about him prior to giving in to my feelings for him… he’s 5 years younger than me (I know, classic me), lives with his parents, and we work together. Basically, 3 of my biggest deal breakers. But, he makes me laugh, and I make him laugh and when we are together I am enormously and effortlessly happy. Even now, a month and a half post break up; being around him just soothes me and he always finds a way to make me feel like I’m the only person in the room… whether that is intentional or not, I don’t know.

Its been a month and a half since we broke up and I figured that its about that time to get back out there. So, last night I decided to re-download Bumble. Swiped 100 times or so, sent some screen shots to my friends and then went to bed. Before I went to bed my friend texted me saying “text me tomorrow, let me know if you matched with anyone.” I thought this was strange because I already matched with about 15 guys in the hour I had been swiping. Did she think it would take longer than that? Anyway, when I woke up in the morning there was a lot more. And, although it’s kind of validating it felt really empty. I was actually a little annoyed. I felt like, this is stupid, meaningless, a waste of time. But I messaged a few of them anyway and went into work. After a couple hours at work I went back into the app and deleted it, less than 24 hours later. I just can’t find the love of my life this way. Especially when I’m fairly certain I already know him. If these other guys were my soulmates the Universe would have brought us together some how by now.

I thought about it some more and started to wonder is this why we are all still single? Because we are messing with the natural way of things? According to Wikipedia there are 12.5 million people on  Bumble… that’s like a quarter of the population in United States. And that’s JUST BUMBLE! What the actual fuck, you guys? How is it that we are all single, all looking but we literally can’t find one another. There are ENDLESS available men inside my phone but WHERE ARE THEY? Why are they not walking up to us at bars, why am I not bumping into them at the coffee shop or connecting with them at work? Is the dating app world killing actual real life dating?

So, I’m sick of it. Over it. My fear of never finding love, never having a family and dying alone is literally seeming more desirable than trying to sort through these photos and 300 character blurbs. Who can portray who they are and what they want in 300 characters? I know that some of these guys are probably great but it’s just so superficial and feels so unconnected. That’s just not me. I am deep and I have so much love to give, the dating app world goes against everything that I am, everything that feels natural to me.

So, here I am. I’m waving my white flag. I surrender. I give up. I just hope love finds me in the real word. Some way, some how.

Keep your head up and your heart open, babes.

-m.

Wanted

All she wanted was for him to let her in
She wanted to see the darkest corners of his soul
She wanted to see his light and she wanted to be a part of brightening it
She wanted to explore his thoughtsย 
She wanted to feel his emotionsย 

She wanted to love him
Deeply, endlessly, intensely, unconditionally

But he just wouldn'tย 
He just couldn'tย 

 -M.